Long and depressing one -you're warned! (But I feel better now, don't worry!)

Canada Day. I knew it would be a rough day, months ago when I accepted a placement that would have me here for the Stanley Cup finals, Canada Day, the first chunk of Sens and Leafs games, Christmas and New Years. But I didn’t know it would also be the day that Annie, my only fellow Canadian and the only other person who can speak English in the cooperative, would return to Quebec. I didn’t know that it would be the 3rd day in a row where my clothes didn’t dry because it’s been so wet. So instead of my big red and white outfit, as suggested by Shawna, I’m wearing this ridiculous dress that looks like it was made for a child that is still dripping wet.

After my first 4 days here, this is definitely the lowest I’ve felt. I had a migraine yesterday from 1pm until 9, Annie thinks from all of the MSG that was in our work lunch, and had to fight through the pain of that and get the scoop on her house and how it all works for when I move in. (In hindsight, I think it was probably because it was malaria-pill day.) She was mentioning tons of names, tons of people and places I need to know. It was so overwhelming because I really don’t know that many people in the community, I don’t know where people live and even if I did know both of these things, my communication skills are so crappy that it’s a ton of work to get everything organized. I need to move but I don’t know if it’s one of those things I can not be at work for or not. I need to get someone with a truck to help me, but I feel terrible asking people to help me that I don’t even talk to.

Right now, the only thing keeping me from running to the airport and pulling out my credit card (beyond the extreme shame I would feel and the regret I know I would have) is knowing that I got through feeling this low a month and a week ago. And after that low, I couldn’t even remember how bad it felt until yesterday. Knowing that there are days ahead when I won’t be on the verge of tears all the time, will actually forget how shitty I feel right now, and won’t be this desperate to go home is a comfort. And being in this program and knowing that dozens of people before me have felt this way and made it through, went home and learned from the whole thing is also comforting.

I have already learned that I am really not a grassroots type of gal. I figured that before, anyway, but now I’m really starting to understand that I do not belong out here, on the ground, capacity building. I do not have the patience and dealing with the discomfort of living in the South is not for me. Which I also figured before, but a month and a half is really confirming things. I belong in an office with flush toilets, air conditioning and high speed internet, haha.

Having this blog makes things better. The cards and letters (Tiana, Ania, Mom, Grandmaman and Jenna: you women are the BEST) make me smile. I opened a letter this morning from Ania for days like today and she actually told me to stop crying in the letter because she figured I was being a big crybaby as usual. I’m pretty predictable that way.

6 hours later: Well, I got help moving from Luis and some guy from the office whose name I should probably learn. Tono, Arnulfo’s father, came by to tell us that I had to bring the bed and kitchen table (the main stuff we’d moved) back because there’s another CUSO cooperant coming on the 15th! I would probably have been a lot more annoyed than I was if I wasn’t so excited to see another Canadian. Fingers crossed that the person speaks English and is cool. We left everything for the moment and we’re going to move it all when the person gets here. I’m going to put my foot down on the table, though –first dibs! Annie had two plastic tables that he/she can have –I’m laying claim on the nice wooden kitchen table! Haha. I initially was going to take Annie’s room, which is about twice the size of Jean Claude’s room, but changed my mind since Jean Claude’s is MUCH MUCH brighter than Annie’s. And with this state of mind, I’m better off with a small, cheery (they left me very cute, flowery sheets, too!) looking room than a big, dark room. Unfortunately, I decided all of this after making a complicated rope contraption to put up my mosquito net and unpacked most of my things. Oh well.

My plan was to go to Flores as I usually do on Tuesdays to run errands and, today, to seek out people to party with. But a combination of rain and deciding that I would probably really bring down a party or be tempted to drink too much and stay out too late if I DID find anyone (or be even more depressed if I didn’t find anybody) made me stay in the Cooperative. And training (for non-IDS-ers: before going on placement we do a TON of training within our organizations, the government’s Centre for Intercultural Learning, as well as with the school) really did come in handy, making me haul my butt out of my house and come to work. All I want to do is curl up in bed, cry and write all kinds of things in my journal about how sorry I feel for myself. But I grabbed my bag and Canada stickers, and trudged off to work. I think it was the right thing to do.

Feeling a lot better now, though, doing work and counting down the days (39) until Mom gets here. It seems a lot sooner now that I’ve been here more days (46) than I have to wait for her!

July 2 update: Well, part of my exhaustion and being so emotional probably comes from the fever that was coming on. Spent the day at home, in bed mostly, after dealing with chills at work and cancelling my Spanish lesson, with Coquette to keep me company. (She took me out of a big crying meltdown this morning when it hit me that the last time I had a fever was in rez and Jeffrey was taking care of me –smoothies, cold cloths and everything! It was sweet; she walked in and started licking my face and getting me to pet her. Love this dog!) Just watched “Good Luck Chuck” which was as illogical, sexist and offensive as anticipated. Entertaining enough to keep me distracted from being bummed out, though. I just loved the, “I go to Guatemala to help poor families” bit. Nice touch. Then, bored and waiting for phone service to come back on, I just watched “Barbie: Swan Lake” which was even more illogical, sexist and offensive but in Spanish. Watching people that look like the Sims doing ballet is a little odd. (For the record, I only own it because Cinderella and Bambi were on the same, super cheap DVD…) I’m actually glad I watched it since I understood pretty much the whole thing!

Still feeling a bit feverish, but not too bad. Luis came by to check on me today, so it’s been nice to not feel totally alone now that I feel like crap. Good news: not dengue –no pain in the bones! Just a flu :p I keep getting dorky Canadian illnesses!!

July 3: Fed the cockroaches a liquid diet this morning. Now I’m all slowed down with Imodium (woot) but feeling extremely nauseated. No fever, which is great (doing the “it’s not malaria” dance), but still have the chills. Phone service has been out for almost 24 hours now, which really sucks –lucky Jeffrey and Mom don’t get to listen to me whine about how sick and lonely I am and how badly I want to be taken care of. I check nearly every 5 minutes and “Sin servicio” keeps popping up to taunt me. Feeling more at home in this house and so thankful that I moved when I did to the nearly-cockroach free house (although the fire ants are giving me a run for my money). Put up a few postcards of Ottawa (Tulip Festival for Mom’s door!) and decorated my journal, so I’m feeling more settled. Tono came by to see how I was and make sure I’m eating, drinking and taking pills. It was a pleasant encounter and a nice boost that my Spanish got me through, haha.

July 4: And now she feels better. My stomach was still a bit off this morning but boredom drove me to come to work. Lunch was productive –I finally emptied Joanie’s fridge, unplugged the thing, and took her sweet hammock-chair down. It was a bit of a struggle (standing on chairs and dressers bearing my Swiss Army knife –Safety Abroad would not approve, lol) and I was covered in dirt from the beams, but it’s up in my room! It’s pretty sweet. Now I have my little reading chair in my room. Which means my room is super cramped, but I think it’s cool anyway. The rope I used was a bit shorter than is probably recommended so my feet are about a foot off the floor. And the beams over my room are not particularly thick so anyone whose feet can’t touch the floor and is over 110lbs…not a recommended seating area. Maybe I’ll care enough to get a longer rope at some point but probably not.

Next step to really feeling at home: hammock! I haven’t had a hammock since the first week I was at Joanie’s because she packed hers up early to take home. When I texted Tiana while sick yesterday, her response was “hope you’re lying in a hammock!” And I realized that now I have my own place, priority #1 should be hammock shopping! Mom, I promise I will put it up on thick beams. We’ll see how my bartering skills go. The Western people got theirs for Q100 but they bought a few. If I can keep it under Q150 ($18.75), I will not feel like a pathetic Canadian.